Last game of the year and some squad members preferring an early Christmas break in foreign climes: I blame the parents, but depleted does not imply a lack of focus. Crimbo jumpers on show with ZZ Medic leading by example – Santa’s little helper with first aid bag (sometimes you must pinch yourself and remember that this is kid’s rugby).

As our coach’s thoughts turn to pre-game routines the touchline Sages turn to comfort eating. No full-Usherwood but a sausage fest broke out. More sausages than you could shake a stick at and mushrooms aplenty; the debate now was now pork/carb ratio. No Scary Steve, he’d rather sun himself in Oz than cold foggy Blighty, but we’re sure that he’s given the Cabin Crew a run for their money – sprint drills up and down the aisles, and that’s just to keep him topped up in vino tinto Beaujolais Collapso. Enough piffle there’s a game to play and our trusty steads are now ready for the game to begin.

The pitch was set, on a slant, this would be a game of two halves with the hosts taking the advantage first. The game starts with both sides trying to get into a rhythm but neither wishing to concede. Spirited play, more energy than finesse, but this was shaping up as a tough match. The game forming a pattern: Leamington trudging up the hill metre by metre into opposition territory only for them to break and regain lost ground. Good graft by the forwards as once more we ascend the hill only to retreat back into our own half: a tactical game of snakes and ladders.

It’s a long way – and Tipperary is just up the road. First points eventually arrive. B&B with a customary speedy break into the Leamington half, and with quick thinking, from a ruck an opportunistic sniping run breaks the deadlock. Leamington undeterred are back on the attack: spirited and feisty Xavier charging down and putting the hosts on the back foot. More territory and good pressure on the home try line but met with stubborn resistance. Phase, phase, phase, territory, possession but no points. Another break out by our hosts and they score again. Hard work and endeavour not paying for the guests. Tanky prowling the touchline directing and spewing orders has he goes: a pity he couldn’t remember what position he’d placed players in his tactical master-plan.

Halftime and a chance to regroup.

Running repairs made – medics on point and earning their corn - Tanky gives his words of wisdom. Good effort and tempo but nothing to show for it. Spirited Leamington take the field with purpose – plenty more rugby to play. The game resuming a familiar pattern and the Sages gravitating towards the opposition try line (or were they rolling down the slope). Good pressure and knocking on the B&B door but no points, yet.

Jink left lying on the ground following a ruck – medics in attendance – but the Captain is not for quitting, leading by example.

Bingo – points to Leam. Pressure sustained and inevitable points to follow – Gorgeous George from short range. Converted and game on.

Injuries mounting, and medics working overtime, the bench looking threadbare, in fact empty. B&B loan us a player and he looks determined to make his mark against his own team – fair play. Robbie down and not walking – a cry for some heavy lifting required – the 1980s French front row appears and lifts the diminutive Robbie. A ton and a half of beef working in unison alluding to a heyday of yesteryear.

A tough physical encounter with battles all over the pitch – a war of attrition. Scrappy play and neither side getting their own way. B&B reacting to broken play quicker and capitalising for the final try of the day. The game was ebbing away and Leam still pressing but against a miserly B&B defence no more points were coming. Medics on again – does anyone know the collective noun for medics? Answers on a postcard. A Holby, perhaps?

A hard-fought physical game comes to an end. Leamington’s depleted numbers not a problem for a spirited performance worthy of note: Tanky looking pleased with himself. B&B a strong organised outfit with a resilient defence – bravo for the tough game.

Tanky in reflective mood stating “a phenomenal team performance from a threadbare squad” and “an early Christmas present from his troops”. He then went on to mention Leinster/Munster, blah, blah, blah – at this point I had glazed over and losing the will…

Whilst a wonderful team performance a few notable individual’s worthy of mention:

• debutante Dave for his first ever appearance on the rugby field – straight into the fray and taking the ball into contact with gusto.
• George for tackle-meister of the day – three tackles on the bounce and on the wing.
• Medics (collective noun) for a great team-approach and tested to the full.
• Kleem (apparently in Russia) for winning the free tour raffle.

Meanwhile the French front row were finishing the day as they had started "man can’t live by sausages alone" – the odd burger required to show a varied diet.

The final word goes to the Captain “Good” - Inspirational as ever. After probing he did manage to construct a sentence “…lads kept at it, score line didn’t reflect the performance, persevered throughout the game.” There is hope for our education system with syllables galore!

Bacon Bard.